Wednesday, October 29, 2008
..or Eloise analyzing the trees for the best apples...
..or snuggling in Daddy's arms(because he did not pick apples..)
..or walking the rows and rows of apples with Grandpa....
..or telling your sister a joke...
..or eating the apples directly off of the tree(Esther is never one to wait)
..or waiting to eat your apples once they have been baked in a delightful apple crisp....
Making apple crisp is easy - you don't really need a recipe...butter a 9x13 pan and peel/core/cut about a dozen apples..lay them in the bottom. In a bowl mix 1 1/2 c soft butter, 1 c flour, 1 c oats, 1 c brown sugar and about 2 t of cinnamon. Lay it on top of the apples and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes. Yummy.
Enjoy your Fall!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
..well, my first clothing love. Oilily. When I was pregnant with Eloise, I would enter the Amsterdam Oilily store weekly just to feel, fondle and smell the clothing. It was love at first sight- and as soon as Eloise was pronounced a girl..I went a little crazy buying her layette pieces from the Summer 2002 Oilily line. I guess I was setting her up to be a bit spoiled already...but that is okay.
Next to the Oilily shoppe, there was the Petit Bateau store...with the softest PJ's, onesies, bibs and footy rompers..yes, these must come home with me too. There is nothing else so soft to touch my sweet baby's skin.
By the time I moved home from Europe to give birth to Eloise...my baby clothing purchases seemed to take up more space in my container than my own clothing. No matter..only the best for my sweet princess coming soon.
So, here we are almost 6 years later..I still swoon when I see her in Oilily - my first clothing love, and much more importantly, worn by my first baby love.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
This is usually the point at which Eloise comes crying to me and telling me that Esther is pushing her and not being nice...to which I usually reply, "maybe if you would stop teasing her and trying to take her toys and would LISTEN to her when she says NO, she would not feel the need to push you away."
What happened yesterday though, caught me by complete surprise. After Esther pushed Eloise, Eloise stepped back and came at her with a vicious right hook that took Esther off her feet. My reaction - uncontrollable laughter. Okay, not mom appropriate..but seriously, seeing my sweet little, sensitive girlie assert herself like that took me by complete surprise..and I was both proud(not at the action, but the assertion) and shocked by the event.
After composing myself, they did both get a time out and the toy was put away...mother appropriate of course...but I guess I am glad to know that Eloise has it in her if she really needs to use that assertiveness someday.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
On a cloudy March morning, I dropped the girls off at school and made my weekly trip to Target…alone. I love going to Target..alone. I had my list…toilet paper, milk, bread, lunch meat, sushi, apples..and whatever else caught my eye. I have never left Target for under $100, so I knew I would find some goodies. Target is like crack for 30 something moms. My first detour led me to the maternity department. At almost 10 weeks pregnant, I was starting to wear a lot of stretch pants and thought that perhaps I could buy a few cute tops until I could really get out shopping for my new wardrobe. Drip drip drip…hhmmm, please let that not be what I think it is. Gosh, look at this cute top…it is amazing in just 3 short years, how much better everything gets..drip drip drip. Hhmmm, should I buy this top. No, let’s put it back and come back tomorrow if I still need it. I still have to get the groceries.
Let’s see – milk, butter, bread…drip, drip, drip..oh dear God, please don’t let that be what I think it is…mac n cheese, peanut butter, toilet paper, frozen waffles…drip drip drip…dammit, really? Jelly, can of tomatoes, yummy new salad dressing, apples…drip drip drip…for goodness sakes….contact solution, band-aids, pads….crap…I don’t want to buy pads, I don’t need pads for another 6 months..I am not buying pads today…drip drip drip…okay..grab a cantaloupe and some sushi for Esther’s lunch and I am out of here…off to pay…drip, drip drip..do they see it written on my face.
Groceries in the car – driving home…groceries unloaded..drip, drip drip….sit down and talk to myself. “Self, you have to go to the bathroom – you have to know.”
Go to the bathroom – blood..everywhere. Crap, I don’t have any pads. I am such an idiot. Loud and aching scream – why why why WHY is this happening AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN…WHY WHY WHY…sobbing on the bathroom floor. Make it all just go away. Call the nurse’s line – get an appointment immediately for an ultrasound..call Jed and tell him what is happening…drip drip drip…dammit.
Ultrasound – nothing. Silence. Death. Nothing. I hate how the ultrasound tech can’t say anything – especially to a weeping lady bleeding on her table. “I will have the Radiologist take a look at the results and meet with you shortly.” Gosh thanks…please don’t mind me stealing 40 pads from your changing room whilst I wait for the news that I don’t need to hear from some stranger.
“Ms Morrison – we are so sorry but there are no signs of life – it looks like it wasn’t a viable fetus.” Gosh, she seemed pretty viable when I heard her heat beat 4 days ago. Thanks anyway though – and thanks for the pads!
Meet with my Doctor – schedule a D&C for the next morning under complete sedation – after 3 D&C’s NOT under sedation – I think I deserve some better drugs this time..and want to be out out out…and I want a prescription of something good while I am asking for things..oh, and I am stealing 20 more pads.
Drive home SOBBING – call Kristi – I am not sure what I said..but she knew I needed her. I remember apologizing for asking her to pick me up at in the morning to bring me to the hospital – but she was there that morning – as she always is there for me. I love you. I also remember asking her to drop me off that morning and that I would call a cab home..but she didn’t – she stayed the whole time..waiting for me and bringing me a latte afterwards..and I think she took some more pads for me!
Fast-forward 3 months….”final” meeting with my fertility specialist – “I am sorry – but you cannot have more children – unless through major medical or Divine intervention…” Fine…I am okay with that. Really.
Fast-forward to today. My due date. Why do I remember these silly dates – why do I remember September 7th, January 21st, March 16th, October 17th..why do I sometimes sit and think – “I could have a 2 year old right now – or an 18 month old, or a 6 month old, or a newborn…” Why. It is such a lonely thing – because I keep this all to myself..my mourning, my sadness, my memories..and me alone just sits here on these silly days and remembers…basically nothing…and has basically nothing to show for it. Such sadness..over basically nothing.
No, I don’t want to hear how lucky I am to have 2 lovely and healthy girls. No, I don’t. ...and really, I am totally okay with no having more kids..really. It is just coming to that total acceptance that part of your life is really over. And, maybe I feel just a bit sad that I didn’t view Esther as my last baby – as maybe I would’ve remembered that sleeping baby on my chest, or those yummy thighs when she was 6 months old, or the last time I nursed her..as I would’ve known that was really the last time. I guess I just wasn’t ready for her to be my last. Maybe I also wasn’t ready to end the phase of my life with so many defeats – and not a baby. I hate losing.
Time heals – and one day soon I won’t get jealous hearing about new pregnancies and new babies, and I will take these silly days and just play play play with my 2 sweet girls and think about how lucky I am…and I know that one day, these silly days will be memories pushed to the back and I won’t even remember what these days meant or why they seem so familiar to me…or why I felt so lonely, but I will only remember the important days that really matter now…and the new memories that I am making.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I am missing you. I am wondering why I didn't join you in Europe this week. I am wondering if you are enjoying the food, the people, the Fall weather. I am wondering if you are enjoying the walk. I miss the walk. I miss walking everywhere. I miss you. I miss Europe.
I am thinking about you today because do you know where we were exactly 6 years ago today - here...
In Egypt - with me 7 months pregnant with Eloise. Our final trip without kids. 3 weeks together alone together in Egypt.
I want to go away with you - somewhere soon somewhere together alone together soon...so maybe I don't have to miss you so much again.
Friday, October 10, 2008
..and then look at these photos today and wonder why I am posting pictures that I took back in July..but NO..this was yesterday...in my street...
Yes, our street has been torn-up since April. Happy Dusting Day again in my house...NOT.
They have run into some "complications" and our street will not be done until May of next year. This poses a problem for me - we live in Minnesota and have this little thing that happens at the end of October and last through April...WINTER! This just isn't going to be pretty when all of this mud freezes.
They have us on a temporary water system - see the lovely pipe and hoses in my front lawn - that FREEZE if it is below, well freezing. Two nights we've been told to have 2 faucets running to stop the freezing of the hoses. Nice. At least we don't have to pay for our water right now! :-)
So, the guys(and ladies) out front are working 13 hour days in the dark to try to at least install our new water pipes before the snow flies - and next year they will work on the road again.
If you are coming to visit - I apologize if you have to park more than a block away and walk so far when it is 30 below.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I am so sorry to disappoint you all lately, posting without pictures of the beautiful ones...but they are done evidently. Done. Especially Esther. She is WEAWY done!
Looking for advice - yes, I have tried just bringing my camera and letting them play, etc and hope they don't even notice I am taking pictures. They are hip to that game...believe me.