Thursday, June 11, 2009

Overwhelmed...


Last week it dawned on me that I am having a baby in 6 weeks...and this growth in my belly is not just a nice turkey dinner that I consumed.

In that moment that I realized I was having a baby, I also realized that I have NOTHING for the baby in our home. NOTHING.

So last Friday, I hauled the girls to the ginormous baby store to shop. I walked in, saw all of these 20/30 somethings soon to be new moms with their registries and lists and girlfriends and moms and carts full of shit that they need for baby, and that they were actually PURCHASING for baby..and then I walked a few aisles and realized how unprepared I am.

I started sobbing and dragged my girls with me quickly out of the store and back to the car empty handed and defeated.

How had I forgotten how much a baby needs - from the bathtub to the crib to the stroller to the diapers to the ointments to the teeny nail clippers... Oh, and let's not forget mom...the sanitary pads, the nursing pads, the breast pump, the nursing bras, tops...

Seriously, I freaked. We have nothing. I sold it all, threw it all away, gave it all away. Disposed of all baby thoughts and baby evidence away completely forever and gave up last year.

Now here I am a week later still afraid to even purchase a diaper or nursing pad. Deep down I know I am still scared that a baby is not really coming. Why go and spend time and money on something that doesn't really exist. If this baby really does come - I will just run to Target that day and get a few things. Not to be negative, but I still can't stop these thoughts from racing through my mind and weighing on my heart? How can she be real? How can I be this lucky? Impossible.

I even tried to sit and make a list of what I could possibly need and never got passed the list title. I am lost, hopeless and not even sure where to start. And, if I did buy all of this stuff, where would I put it? We don't even have a room for a nursery set-up, a crib assembled, walls painted.....

Sadly, I have been here before. My most vivid memory of having Eloise, is immediately after getting home from the hospital I walked with my baby upstairs to what would become her nursery. It was bare. Yes, the pink walls were ready, but nothing else - no crib, no rocking chair...just a few bags of diapers and changes of clothing. I sat in the middle of the floor with her and just sobbed and called my mom. "What am I suppose to do? She came so early..we have nothing for her. She doesn't have a room, our home is under construction, I don't have a place to even lay her down. No crib, no bassinet, no floor space not full of dust and dirt."

My mom told me to just hold her, and that a baby doesn't really need very much. Lots of love, lots of diapers, and I could do the rest...and that we would figure it out. And we did.

...and I am sure I can figure it all out again.
xoxo,t

10 comments:

Stacey said...

As you well know... that baby just needs her Mamma & diapers... Actually we all get too carried away with the gadgets they sell...

On the other hand... the fact that you are having trouble shopping does draw some concern???

Relax... enjoy... and wander through Target aimlessly...

Amanda M. said...

I think as long as you have a name and some dipes, you're all good. :)
Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

hopefaithlove said...

I know how you feel, up until she arrived I think I was in denail that she could actually be real... After struggling with IF I was waiting for the other shoes to drop. The only thing that go me to prepare for the baby (not until I was like 32 weeks) was that my duaghter was excited for her and she motivated me to buy things and get prepared to prepare my DD an keep her involved, so maybe if you involve the girls somehow it will be easier.

Andrea Hallett said...

Seriously, they do not need much! Emme slept in her swing the first 3months-never touched her crib (may I suggest the FP Papasan? Best swing IMO)The rest of the time she slept with me in a sling. Ohh, get a sling -they are a lifesaver -your hands are free and baby is happy. Serena and Lily has some gorgeous ones and I love hotslings too. Infant car seat-you need that. Then diapers/wipes and some soft petite bateau onesies, a few swaddling blankets and you are set!
She will be here soon -I am so excited for you!

Ginny said...

This little girl will need even less because she has two sisters that are going to hold her and love her. They will occupy her and show her everything they have, they will sing and dance for her and even try feeding her some of their food! You have nothing to worry about - Eloise and Esther have doll beds she will probably fit in and even play diapers that will last for the first day home! All will be fine. She dolesn't need her own bedroom for now because she will sleep in your arms for months! By then it will be winter and it'll be time to put Jed to work.

AFC said...

I am the exact same way.. I haven't bought much of anything and the one pack of diapers I did buy will not be opened until I bring him home... and I am due in 3weeks. Plenty of time for shopping after they are here!

houseofestrogen said...

You will be FINE, and baby will too. Buy a carseat, and don't worry about the rest. If a friend has to buy a pack of diapers for you the day she arrives and she sleeps in an empty dresser drawer lined with something soft for a few days, she'll be fine. She'll be loved and be in a loving family!!! Just get a carseat so you can get her home and don't stress about the rest!

jill R said...

Don't sweat the small stuff, it's not important. You have 2 amazing girls, I have no doubt you will do fine with whatever you end up with before she comes.

We didn't even have names decided, Sophia just about came home from the hospital with no name. I was too afraid of picking a name and calling the baby that name in fear I'd jinx myself, so you sound very normal to me.

Melanie said...

Tracy you will be fine! It is amazing how quickly new little ones assimilate into the family & you wonder what life was like before they came. I agree with Andrea, a sling is fantastic & I love my Hooter Hider, too...seems I am nursing all over the place these days! They will send you home from the hospital with diapers, right? Just perhaps buy some wipes now...we go through boxes a day it seems!
Other than that, I'd just stock up on rest now!
Blessings to you my friend!

Anonymous said...

You know, religious Jews NEVER buy anything for the baby before it is born - they have a list all ready and give it to some kind family member who will go out and get everything while mom is in the hospital - or they pay to have it all delivered around that time. So, you are not alone and you will be fine. Make a list of the must have essentials for the first few weeks and hand it off to someone.

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