Thursday, June 11, 2009
Last week it dawned on me that I am having a baby in 6 weeks...and this growth in my belly is not just a nice turkey dinner that I consumed.
In that moment that I realized I was having a baby, I also realized that I have NOTHING for the baby in our home. NOTHING.
So last Friday, I hauled the girls to the ginormous baby store to shop. I walked in, saw all of these 20/30 somethings soon to be new moms with their registries and lists and girlfriends and moms and carts full of shit that they need for baby, and that they were actually PURCHASING for baby..and then I walked a few aisles and realized how unprepared I am.
I started sobbing and dragged my girls with me quickly out of the store and back to the car empty handed and defeated.
How had I forgotten how much a baby needs - from the bathtub to the crib to the stroller to the diapers to the ointments to the teeny nail clippers... Oh, and let's not forget mom...the sanitary pads, the nursing pads, the breast pump, the nursing bras, tops...
Seriously, I freaked. We have nothing. I sold it all, threw it all away, gave it all away. Disposed of all baby thoughts and baby evidence away completely forever and gave up last year.
Now here I am a week later still afraid to even purchase a diaper or nursing pad. Deep down I know I am still scared that a baby is not really coming. Why go and spend time and money on something that doesn't really exist. If this baby really does come - I will just run to Target that day and get a few things. Not to be negative, but I still can't stop these thoughts from racing through my mind and weighing on my heart? How can she be real? How can I be this lucky? Impossible.
I even tried to sit and make a list of what I could possibly need and never got passed the list title. I am lost, hopeless and not even sure where to start. And, if I did buy all of this stuff, where would I put it? We don't even have a room for a nursery set-up, a crib assembled, walls painted.....
Sadly, I have been here before. My most vivid memory of having Eloise, is immediately after getting home from the hospital I walked with my baby upstairs to what would become her nursery. It was bare. Yes, the pink walls were ready, but nothing else - no crib, no rocking chair...just a few bags of diapers and changes of clothing. I sat in the middle of the floor with her and just sobbed and called my mom. "What am I suppose to do? She came so early..we have nothing for her. She doesn't have a room, our home is under construction, I don't have a place to even lay her down. No crib, no bassinet, no floor space not full of dust and dirt."
My mom told me to just hold her, and that a baby doesn't really need very much. Lots of love, lots of diapers, and I could do the rest...and that we would figure it out. And we did.
...and I am sure I can figure it all out again.
Posted by Tracy at 6:19 AM