I gave up wine at New Years. I decided that I would not drink any wine from New Years until Ash Wednesday. As I don't formally "celebrate" Lent - I decided that I would give up wine before Lent and then make fun of all of my sucker friends during Lent who were silly enough to give up wine now.
For 7 weeks I have been dry, except for 2 glasses at Kristi's house 2 weeks ago. But drinking at Kristi's doesn't count. It is just unfortunate that she only invited me over one time during the last 7 weeks. Darn taxes.
I had plans to go buy wine today, lots of wine, but didn't think it would be prudent to take my lice infested family out into public.
Oh you heard me right - WE HAVE LICE.
Before I go on about my hell during the past 72 hours, I would like to formally apologize to the 2 little blond girls who road my bus in 4th grade. The 2 sisters who lived in the trailer park behind the 3D discount store. The 2 sisters who were sent home with lice. The 2 sisters that we called "lice heads" on the bus for the next 2 years.
Kids are mean. We were mean.
I would also like to make that shrink appointment now - for 15 years down the road when Eloise is seeking counseling for her mothers reaction upon finding the lice in her head. Yes, I win mother of year. I tilted her head over and saw a BUG on my CHILD's HEAD. I screamed like a baby and ran from the room screaming "OMG YOU HAVE LICE YOU HAVE LICE!!!!"
Oh yes, mother of the year right here. Turns out the proper reaction was "oh no sweetie - looks like you have lice. It is not your fault. You are so beautiful and perfect and mommy will take care of it in a few days" - this was then to be followed by a warm embrace turns out. Not for my child to see her mother running away from her screaming. tsk tsk.
Jed also wins father of the year when he told her we should just shave her head. Oh yes he did. We ROCK as parents. ROCK. It is so hard being the oldest kid watching your parents make so many mistakes.
We have now spent the last 72 hours filling 42 leaf bags with stuffed animals and pillow and coats and rugs and toys and dolls.
I am on my 33rd load of laundry - the linens, towels, coats, pillows, clothing - over and over again. I can only hope the silver lining is that my 1979 Kenmore washer explodes and I get a new one. My 1981 Kenmore dryer is taking almost 3 hours to dry each load. Thus laundry is going 24 hours per day and so am I. My head is hitting the bed at 1am and rising at 4am to put in another load. My kids are sleeping on beach towels as they are easier to wash than pillows. I vacuum every 4 hours and spray my home constantly with tea tree oil. I make my kids stay off the furniture and their little butts hurt from sitting on the hardwood.
After spending 3 hours picking eggs out of their hair yesterday, I finally cut about 6 inches off of both their heads. It is Summer bob time 3 months early. I have had a few Joan Crawford moments.
I have forgotten to feed them and they were both crying by 11am yesterday asking if they could eat.
They have been home from school now for 5 days straight and between laundry, treating heads, picking heads, nursing and bouncing little miss cranky pants - who thank God is bald - I have little time to think about groceries or food.
And during this time the new Matilda Jane season started. In fact the season started an hour after I found the first louse. I love my life.
For 3 days my phone has been ringing off the hook, I have not only done laundry, treating, picking and nursing but have tried to sit in front of a computer to get people their cookie tanks. I have been yelled at, cursed at and have been told what a disappointment I am to them because of not getting them their tank top. I have cried to one as I hung up on her because I needed to get back to picking the nits out of my child's hair.
And yes, I have had shows scheduled that I cannot work because we have lice.
I have really good friends though - who come to my house and check my head, treat my kids, tell them what they need to hear as their mother is failing them. They bring me more laundry detergent, do my shows for me and mostly let me know they are here if I need them.
I need wine really. That is all I need right now. Wine.