New Year Still Me...Just Wrinklier

I had prepared a very eloquent post about how awesome I was in 2009 and how awesome my year was and how I use the word awesome like it is still 1985 - back when I was awesome.

But it was all a bunch of bullshit, so I deleted it.

Don't get me wrong, my year was good - I had a baby and all - which is awesome, but I also lost a grandparent and the economy was kind of a downer, and both girls transitioned to new schools and my arms just SUCK compared to Michelle Obama's and she is such a show-off.

I have spent the year trying on clothing at JCrew, and it just looks so much better on her than me. That is like so not awesome.

What I do want to do is look forward to my 42nd year on this planet. Sure, I am hopeful for another 76 years at least, but taking reality into consideration, I know that life IS short. This blog has helped me learn that I don't want to waste it. This blog has brought me links and friends from near and far. This blog has introduced me to people I never would've met otherwise. This blog has opened my eyes, my heart, and my mind.

I have learned that it is okay to not know exactly who I am at 41, and that I can still define myself every day.

I do know that for 2010, I want to be true to myself - to use my blog for only good and not evil, and to be honest and put myself out there and embrace my vulnerability. It's okay not to be perfect - and I have been perfecting that for a very long time.

And I just want to love, accept and forgive more - and focus on the important names I go by - Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Niece, Granddaughter, Neighbor. The rest doesn't matter so much. We are all really the same.

Life is too short - for grudges and hate and discrimination and stupidity. And I can be a real bitch, so thank you for still liking me.

xoxo,t

The Best Present I Never Got...

Yesterday, Jed brought a paper grocery bag up to the bedroom. When he came downstairs, there was white boxed item with a red bow around it inside the covert bag.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing" he replied, "just some Christmas returns."

I continued "But what is the white box that hasn't been opened?"

"Nothing" he replied again "Just a shirt I am returning."

"Unopened? - that is strange - how do you know it's a shirt?" I prodded some more.

He shouted "Fine, it's a MacBook that I bought for you for Christmas that you don't want so I am taking it back."

And he stormed out of the house.

I stared into my coffee and wondered what the cotton pickin F that was all about.

What MacBook? Did I open a MacBook and not realize it, and upon opening the MacBook scream "holy shit, why did you buy me this piece of garbage? Return it immediately!" Did I say that? Had I ever seen said MacBook?

I was mystified by this scene that just took place in my home.

I am not completely sure WHY he bought me the MacBook, WHY it was never presented to me on Christmas, WHY it was returned after Christmas while being cleverly disguised in a grocery bag, or WHY this exchange ever took place that is now killing me slowly.

This is my life.

Turns out that I have casually said to him that I don't really need a new computer. Well of course I don't really "need" a new computer. Mine is only 8 years old, I have to whack the screen for it to appear every 10 minutes or so, I have to squint and tilt it just so to see it and only 5-6 letters stick on the keyboard. But it is just fine.

Of course it's fine, I am a woman and everything is "just fine." I am that Mom who has lost a leg, my arm is dangling off, my eye is squirting out blood, I am having a stroke, my teeth are falling out and I say "oh I am just fine dear, it's just a little cold coming on ..let me fix you a little snack"..and while doing that I vacuum a bit on my way to the kitchen and I throw a load of laundry in, AND I have a baby hanging off my boob...but everything is just FINE just like my computer. All the while my husband is scratching his balls, thinking he has a sniffle and should probably go up to bed to rest a bit before it gets too bad.

This is my life.

xoxo, t

Astrid 5 months...A letter from Mom

Dear Astrid,

You are 5 months old. Can you believe it?

Gosh it's been a long 5 months. Time is not flying by as it is suppose to. As people say it will. Time is taking forever because you cry too much. Really.

And it is annoying and you need to get over it.

You were my 2nd crankiest child a few months back, but now you have won the award. Are you happy now? Can we move on to greener pastures?

Why do you have to hate everyone but me(and your sisters) and the cat? Why oh why do you like the cat? Really?

I love that you love me but my goodness, get over yourself. I have never seen such a baby with attitude. You raise your eyebrows and smirk. Smirk. You are 5 months old and do not deserve the bitchy attitude of a 7 year old. You don't.

You still wake-up 4 times per night and I let you. No you aren't hungry. Just bitchy. You just have more complaints you need to register that you weren't able to fit in that day.

I tried to start you on solid food, but it turns out your digestive system is bitchy too and you cannot tolerated anything but breast milk and now you aren't allowed other food or liquids until you are like 12. Whatever.

You take 5 or 6 annoying 20 minute naps per day and then complain about how tired you are between the naps. On the rare occasion you sleep for 2 hours I am like "I told you so" because you are actually happy for 20 minutes after that nap. TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES!!

You still sleep next to me because I am too lazy to get you a bed and you are warm. I promise to not tell your boyfriends that you are still sleeping next to me and nursing at 12. It will be our little secret.

Problem is, when you wake-up, even for the forth time - I melt when I see your sweet face and look into your eyes.

You are the best present I have ever received and that is why I put up with you.

You are my baby and will be incessantly spoiled for your whole life and I am okay with that.

You just need to stop being a bitch.

k?
Love, Mom

Scenes from a Christmas...

We stayed home this year and were treated to a Christmas Storm.

What a great present. I love snow, lots of snow, especially when you can just stay home and play with toys.

...cause if you've no place to go...let it snow, let is snow, let it snow...

..and it did.

This year, we opened our home to a few family members that casually stopped by on their weary trip North and to good friends with whom we shared a meal.

It was quiet and perfect and filled with happy faces.


I think this tradition will likely continue.

xoxo,t

Skating...

xoxo,t

Merry Christmas...

Can you tell who has been naughty and who has been nice?

xoxo,t

and it's a Wrap...

I have done it all this year.

Presents bought - check.

Presents wrapped - check.

Nutcracker attended - check.

Santa seen - check.

Elf is on the shelf - check.

Tree up and Halls decked - check.

Cards done and mailed - check.

Christmas songs sung - check.

Christmas shows watched - check.

Birthday passed without a f*$%#&*&%$*^ cake - check.

Wine and champagne drank drunk and drunked and dranked - check.

..and now cookies are baked - check, check and double checked.

But when will kids ever get the whole "less is more" when it comes to cookie decorating?

xoxo,t

On My Birthday...

....next year.

I am asking for more matching outfits

..and more of these bad boys - in more sizes and colors.

That is all.
xoxo,t

About Me Today...

They say it is my birthday on Tuesday. I have never spent much time celebrating my birthday and was slightly embarrassed when I moved to the Netherlands and found out how much the Dutch LOVE birthdays. I mean really LOVE birthdays. I was amazed. People came out of the woodwork giving me 3 kisses(gotta love the Dutch for making it 3 kisses instead of 2) and singing Lang zal ze leven to me. They would wish me Hartelijk gefeliciteerd - and heck they would even congratulate me on my Mother's birthday. If you want to celebrate your birthday, go to Holland.

So, in the past 10 years I have been trying to make more of an effort to appreciate a good birthday. Kids help. I still am incredibly embarrassed having attention focused at me though. Parties scare me and singing even more.

I have truthfully been dreading this birthday. Turning 40 is turning 40 - a milestone, a celebration, a new decade of being 40 and fabulous. Turning 41 is just well...turning 41 and accepting the fact that I am in my 40's now and the hoopla is over. Turning 41 and being a mom of an infant is even more mind blowing..and tiring. I sometimes think my Grandma is laughing at me from heaven and thinking "my word - I was a grandmother of TWO at your age..what are you thinking??"

Sure 40 is the new 30 and all that jazz, but it doesn't remove my wrinkles or color my gray hair, tighten my changing skin or remove the cellulite on my thighs. I see myself now as 2 generations away from kids and how it is harder to relate or even recognize myself in the young coeds in our neighborhood. I don't look like them anymore, even though I may feel like one of them. Most of them see me as their mom and sometimes when I have Astrid out for a walk if they wonder if I am her grandma.

It's weird getting older. Not bad. Just weird. I still feel 17 even if no one else sees me that way.
xoxo, t

O Christmas Tree...

The Girls picked the Tree and decorated all by themselves this year. I believe it is the cutest Chuck Brown-esque Tree EVER.











xoxo,t

Mary Did What??

The Nativity in 2009..

Eloise "Hey mom - we can't figure out who Joseph is."

Me "He is one of the guys."

Eloise "We know that - but there are like 6 guys here, which one is he?"

Me walking into the room "Well, these 3 look like kings or wise men, and these 3 are shepherds - so he must be one of the shepherds."

Eloise "Do we need a Joseph anyway because isn't God really His dad - why isn't God on this thing. Is Joseph really His step dad or what?"

Esther(randomly) "Is this the same Mary that is in the lamb song? I don't think she is married she is just a kid who has a little lamb."

Eloise "Well, I don't we should just use any of these guys without knowing who the real Joseph is. I am not doing it. We cannot just use any Joseph."

Esther "Why don't we just use a different guy each day - the green shepherd today, the blue king tomorrow. They can just take turns with Mary."

Merry Christmas.
t.

Holiday Memories...

I have watched my fill of old Holiday movies this week. All of the usual suspects - White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life...

I have found myself bawling during all of these. Bawling.

All I can see in these movies are my grandparents. I see them in the 40's and 50's - young and vibrant, thin and active with their dark hair...my grandpa with his greased back perfectly combed hair and my grandma with her bobby pins, pin curls and finger waves. They loved the holidays and celebrated surrounded by their many friends and large family.

Music filled the basement, while the drinks flowed and people danced. Couples kissed under the mistletoe.

I remember being a very little girl on Christmas morning in their very small living room stuffed full of people, presents and paper.

This is our first Christmas without them both. The family home of 56 years is sold. As happy and joyous as the Holidays are, I miss them. Their Christmas card was always the first addressed each year. Kenneth and Lorraine St. Marie, 22xx....their address remains at the top of my list. So strange not to send them one this year for the first time ever. So strange to not receive one.

Although we are staying put this Christmas, I know I have my childhood home to go to when I can. I weep for my mom this year who doesn't.

We are staying home to make new memories for our kids. For them to wake-up Christmas morning in their beds, to race down the stairs to see if Santa came. To lounge in our PJ's.

Happy Holidays to all of you. Hug your kids, honor your Grandparents and thank your parents. No matter near or far, celebrate your families and the memories you are making every day.
xoxo,t

Because I couldn't help myself...

..it is the most obvious thing to do this Season...but I am short on time to write...(and no pictures of Jed on my laptop...)

Enjoy...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

xoxo,t

Snowfall..

We finally had our first big snow of the season last week.

It was then I realized that my daughter has a really long tongue.

xoxo,t

It's my Party...

Sometimes December makes me feel like I am drowning in a sea of sprinkles.

Don't you just hate when the damn top comes off.

I have been bitchy lately and my emotions are a constant roller coaster of pure joy as I spend time with friends and family to complete destruction from a hurtful comment - to pure joy as I think about the gifts I have purchased this year to pure dread from the credit card bill coming in January.

As the Mom - my lists are a mile long this season and my ass hasn't hit the couch in 2 weeks. And if it has hit the couch, it is only for on-line Christmas shopping, knitting a gift, sewing a gift, ordering cards, calendars, blogging, uploading photos and let's not forget nursing every 2 1/2 hours. I have to say that when someone elses ass hits the couch OFTEN to do nothing, my head explodes.

And as much as I love our Christmas tree this year - it is perfect. Now I feel like it is just ONE.MORE.THING I need to keep alive, even if it is just for 11 more long days.

And I still hate the cat.

I still want to take the girls to the Holiday Parade, to bake cookies, to wrap presents. I love this season even if it does give me a happy migraine.

The good news is that I have given up drinking red wine this month and have decided to drink sparkling white every night to give me just a bit more Holiday Cheer.

And just for the record - I did not sleep with Tiger.

Ho Ho Ho, t

Almost Famous..

..there was a time that I was young(er) and thin(ner) and less wrinkly(er) and said things like "awesome" even if no one else said awesome anymore...



...but then I got old(er) and have been replaced by a new young(er) model...recognize the cute blond airplane??...


xoxo, t

Smorganization...

Smorganization - the act of organizing 2 million things at one time.

I had a breakdown of sorts yesterday and told the girls that we could not have a Christmas tree this year AND that Santa was not coming unless we disposed of, donated, or just generally hauled out and lit a fire to a bunch of crap consuming the house.

Have you ever tried to get rid of toys when your children are home? Here's a tip - IT DOES NOT WORK. One toy goes in the donate bin and it's all "oh that is my favorite...blah blah blah.." and I am like, dude - you haven't touched that in 3 years!

My plan was to use my 3 hours today while kid 2 was at preschool, and while cranky, crazy-ass never sleeps for more than 15 minutes at a time so do you think I get anything done..NO baby was screaming at me from the bouncy seat.

I was a wreck at about 3am with the snow and wind and sub-zero temps that a snow day would be called. I am sorry but in my home snow day = bad, school day = good. Thank goodness school was ON and my plan for toy organization and disposal was in place.

Problem is - my toy organization, disposal and dismemberment turned into, "hell, since I have drank my pot of coffee and since I have this 3 hours broken into 10 minute increments while the baby isn't cursing at me, let's also dust the high places in the house, haul down our 42 tubs of winter crap, order the calendars for the Grandparents, address our Holiday cards, finish sewing those last minutes gifts, wrap a few gifts, knit a scarf and polish off a pitcher of bloody mary's."

I had a total flipping smorganization session. At one point when I had all this crap out, I thought for sure that the film crew to the show Hoarders was going to barge in and totally out me to my friends and family. I even looked like a hoarder today.

By the end of the day though I hauled 3 leaf bags to the dump and 4 tubs to Goodwill. Calendars are orders, envelopes are addressed, sewing is sewn and knitting is knitted, and now my wine bottle is almost empty.

So I can say "yes, Eloise and Esther there will be a Santa Claus this year and a tree and everything..and even that damn Chrissa is coming home this year."

xoxo,t