Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Best Present I Never Got...



Yesterday, Jed brought a paper grocery bag up to the bedroom. When he came downstairs, there was white boxed item with a red bow around it inside the covert bag.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing" he replied, "just some Christmas returns."

I continued "But what is the white box that hasn't been opened?"

"Nothing" he replied again "Just a shirt I am returning."

"Unopened? - that is strange - how do you know it's a shirt?" I prodded some more.

He shouted "Fine, it's a MacBook that I bought for you for Christmas that you don't want so I am taking it back."

And he stormed out of the house.

I stared into my coffee and wondered what the cotton pickin F that was all about.

What MacBook? Did I open a MacBook and not realize it, and upon opening the MacBook scream "holy shit, why did you buy me this piece of garbage? Return it immediately!" Did I say that? Had I ever seen said MacBook?

I was mystified by this scene that just took place in my home.

I am not completely sure WHY he bought me the MacBook, WHY it was never presented to me on Christmas, WHY it was returned after Christmas while being cleverly disguised in a grocery bag, or WHY this exchange ever took place that is now killing me slowly.

This is my life.

Turns out that I have casually said to him that I don't really need a new computer. Well of course I don't really "need" a new computer. Mine is only 8 years old, I have to whack the screen for it to appear every 10 minutes or so, I have to squint and tilt it just so to see it and only 5-6 letters stick on the keyboard. But it is just fine.

Of course it's fine, I am a woman and everything is "just fine." I am that Mom who has lost a leg, my arm is dangling off, my eye is squirting out blood, I am having a stroke, my teeth are falling out and I say "oh I am just fine dear, it's just a little cold coming on ..let me fix you a little snack"..and while doing that I vacuum a bit on my way to the kitchen and I throw a load of laundry in, AND I have a baby hanging off my boob...but everything is just FINE just like my computer. All the while my husband is scratching his balls, thinking he has a sniffle and should probably go up to bed to rest a bit before it gets too bad.

This is my life.

xoxo, t

13 comments:

Ann said...

So did you tell him NOT to return it?????

Tracy said...

NO - seriously, I was in such shock by the completely weird-ass exchange, that I just sat there and stared at my coffee for like 20 minutes after he stormed out with what was suppose to be my xmas present. FREAKIIIIEEEEE....

Izzy'sMom said...

WHAAAATTT, he returned it!?!? Oh you have got to be kidding me!

Melanie said...

That has to be one of the oddest & funniest things I've ever read! Please tell me he didn't really return it?

Monika said...

Oh, lady, you are sooo hilarious!!! I hope you grabbed that white box and RAN to your room, lol.

Melanie said...

well, guess who is going computer shopping!

Sahnya said...

poor Jed ... what was he thinking? he was brilliant and didn't even know it. now it looks like he needs to get you the computer and something else special?!

Kristi Pohl said...

really, everything will be, just...FINE.

Amanda M. said...

Strange. But damn funny.

betsy ellis said...

Thanks for the huge laugh. Ian and I are sitting at the breakfast table a little worse for wear...he with the broken leg from the motorcycle crash, me from shlepping us to Florida and back (yesterday) to celebrate his father's 80th birthday. We're both sitting with ice packs! Like I said, thanks for the laugh. And you DAMN well better get that computer back!

Rachelle said...

You make me laugh out loud. I always read with a smile on my face, but the baby hanging on your boob finally made me erupt. Hilarious.

Michelle said...

how did I miss this? Um, please tell me you kept the computer. Or call me to explain the whole strange scenario.

Trillium said...

Holy carp!!! Of course you need a macbook. Note to hubby - HELLO!!!! Just fine means hell yes she wants the macbook!

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